Itty-Bitty Blessings

Caleb's near-death experience in January left me with a lot of emotional and spiritual trauma to work through. I prayed and studied the scriptures extensively, slowly identifying why I still felt so insecure even after Caleb's recovery. I realized several important things. 1. Subconsciously, I had expected my gospel living to result in specific blessings: a happy marriage, healthy and safe children, etc. Those expectations went unchallenged for a while, but then my two-week-old baby stopped breathing. And didn't really start breathing again for another 10 days. 2. As a result of those shattered expectations, I felt betrayed by God. This was hard to admit to myself. I knew He was still aware of me, but I was confused and hurt. Why had He allowed me to suffer when I had tried so hard to be righteous? I thought of this as I watched the YA Face to Face on Sunday. One of the last questions echoed mine. Why are the righteous denied certain blessings? That young adult wante...

I tried to build a fence up in the sky To gather in a realm of my control. A boundary, I hoped, would satisfy My need to understand, to do, to know. I placed a willing god up in the sky Who let me win his blessings and his love. I did my part, and he would then comply By show’ring chosen favors from above. But then a day when all the light blue sky— It fell in broken pieces on the ground. I couldn’t fix it, find a reason why. And from the empty heavens, not a sound. I mourned and suffered, looked up at the sky. I’d kept my rules, but still I faced this pain. My tidy, righteous living did not buy The blessings or the peace I hoped to gain. The real God saw my fences in the sky And knew my fear of giving up control. My pride, it sat between the Lord and I, But waiting there, He yearned to touch my soul. And only when I crouched ‘neath shattered sky Could I begin again to know His face. My helplessness inspired me to try To tru...

A Golden Thread A poem by Erica Mace When fingers point, accuse the sky For some unwanted episode The wounded blame, and oft deny That their hand also shapes the load, Not only He who sits on high. For did He not an earth create By law and order, by design? And does it not now operate By those same laws, which He makes known, Thus granting us our hand in fate? For once created, life unfolds With consequences predisposed. Not hidden, buried there untold, But preached by science, faith and time That all might know, observe, behold. When law’s unknown, it still remains In force, but we less easily Can see God’s plan, unbind our chains Or be the agents we might be. We point a finger in our pains. But known, these laws inform our thought, Have consequence, respond to tests. Their truth endures, and so our lot Is finding truth and living it-- For knowing only changes naught. The laws we base our lives upon Will cast their shadows, ...

Yesterday, a little Gru voice inside me said "Liiiightbulb!"   (Despicable Me, anyone?) I've always been a "people pleaser". Not that I know how to define that... Google references the fear/guilt in saying "No" to people, and that sounds about right. I often agree to do things, and then 49% of the time I find myself overbooked and overwhelmed. Luckily, Mike is not this way, so by virtue of being married to him, I've managed to avoid some of these situations. Lately I've been thinking about my "word of honor". If I say I'll turn the air conditioner on before Mike gets home from a run, then it doesn't matter if that's a small thing- I should do it! Following through on my word is one way to show people that they matter to me, and that I can be trusted. Along with that goal comes a need for some reeeeeaal self-control. If I'm really going to uphold that word of honor, then I can't agree to do everything for anyo...

Now what is a Jello Jiggler, you might ask? We'll get to that. Little buddy has started eating solid foods- mashed up carrots, sweet potatoes and squash, which I mix with rice cereal and homegrown milk. He loves it! As I feed him, he kicks his chubby legs and lunges toward the spoon, a habit that is both messy and adorable. Here is where we come to the Jello Jiggler! Mike and I were at the store, and I wanted to buy some new ice cube trays so that I could freeze little portions of mashed veggies for baby meals. Mike suggested just using one of our current ice trays, which clearly wasn't as fun as buying a new, special one for baby food... But it did appeal to my sense of economy, so I agreed. We got to the register and were chatting with the worker, when she suddenly said, "There are free Jello Jigglers at the other counter!", to which I responded "Oh, okay, thanks!", having no real idea what a Jello Jiggler was... She asked her friend to pass us a m...

Actually, I don't believe in soul mates. But the fact is, the last time I posted on this blog was just after my first date with Michael! Mr. Assertive asserted himself all the way to the altar... And boy am I glad! Now we've been married almost two years, and we recently added a lot more cuteness to our lives. "Exhibit A" of cuteness! I started this blog way back after my mission because I kept seeing so many little miracles around me, and they were too good not to share! Now I'm returning for the same reason. I know that God is involved in my life, and that knowledge has carried me through many personal questions and heavy experiences. There is always something to learn. So here is my "New Mom" update! Wow, I really love this. Staying at home with my little one is so soul-stretching and heart-changing, in the most cosmically mundane, dirty diaper kind of way. Sometimes when Mike asks me how my day was, my response is simply, "Uhhhh.......

Guys, I can't even TELL you all that's happened in the last month. What an incredible time. This blog post will be more personal than most, but I need to explain some more delicate things in order for you to understand why this week was one big, long miracle. (No worries, names have been changed to protect the identities of all involved.) I'm also kind of trusting that the majority of people that read this are the Relief Society sisters from my home ward, soooo... It really began last week, when I had a lunch date with Mr. Assertive. We had a great time and even got to dance together at the ward dance that night. On Sunday, Mr. Assertive came over to chat and have a Sunday music party, and then later in the evening, The Serenader did basically the same thing. The Serenader and I had already been on a couple dates, and I was fairly interested in him, but he just wanted to be friends. And that was totally fine with me! The Serenader, however, caught on to the fact that Mr....