Skip to main content

It's not you, it's me...

Guys, I can't even TELL you all that's happened in the last month. What an incredible time. This blog post will be more personal than most, but I need to explain some more delicate things in order for you to understand why this week was one big, long miracle. (No worries, names have been changed to protect the identities of all involved.) I'm also kind of trusting that the majority of people that read this are the Relief Society sisters from my home ward, soooo...

It really began last week, when I had a lunch date with Mr. Assertive. We had a great time and even got to dance together at the ward dance that night. On Sunday, Mr. Assertive came over to chat and have a Sunday music party, and then later in the evening, The Serenader did basically the same thing. The Serenader and I had already been on a couple dates, and I was fairly interested in him, but he just wanted to be friends. And that was totally fine with me! The Serenader, however, caught on to the fact that Mr. Assertive was expressing interest, and he seemed to change his mind about the friend thing. The Serenader and I had a talk on Monday and I went to bed that night VERY stressed out about what I was going to do about the situation. I really liked both of them, and I really don't like ambiguity. And I hate feeling like I'm leading people on.

After my mission companion's wedding
The fact of the matter was, though, that I just had to see where it went with both of them. I explained this to The Serenader, and prayed that I'd know how to proceed. On that Monday night, in the height of my stress and exhaustion (boys take up a lot of time, which takes away from homework time, which then takes away from sleep time...), my scripture study fell to 2 Nephi 21. The beginning verses promise "the spirit of wisdom and understanding" and "the spirit of counsel and might", along with many other things that I really needed, and I felt so touched that the Lord would speak to me of those exact promises. I felt peace. It was a little miracle.

The next day, The Serenader made me lunch and Mr. Assertive took me to a choir concert. But you want to know the amazing part? Before I even went to the choir concert I knew that it wasn't The Serenader. It had been less than 24 hours since he'd expressed renewed interest, and when it came down to it, it wasn't even a thing of competition or contrast. After being with him for a couple hours more, I just felt in my heart (for various reasons that would take too long to explain), that The Serenader was only my dear friend. How is it that my thoughts and feelings were so clear one day when they had been so mixed and jumbled the day before? I knew with a certainty that I didn't have romantic feelings for The Serenader; that unexpected resolution was an emotional MIRACLE.

Now I just had to tell him that... But I was dreading it. The Serenader had been over to our apartment almost every day for two weeks, and he is one of our best friends. I didn't want to break his heart!! I needed to expel the ambiguity, however, so Tuesday (the next day), we went on a walk and I told him how I felt. I watched his face and saw yet another miracle in his eyes- he was fine. He'd done some thinking and decided the same thing that I had. The feeling was mutual!! Yayy!!

Tomando once con mis amigos Chilenos!!
Eating some yummy food with Chile buddies!!
Obviously, there isn't a definite end to the story, but that little chunk that I described still amazes me. The delicacy with which the Lord guided the situation was incredible, and I write about this because it's a clear testimony to me that the Lord really loves all of His children. It has always been hard for me to make emotional decisions, but somehow this week it wasn't, which made this potentially complicated situation a very positive one for everyone involved. I'm becoming more and more certain that Heavenly Father sometimes throws people together just because He knows it'll help them learn. God shields and guides our hearts whenever He can, whenever we let Him and whenever it is prudent for our eternal learning. This whole boy drama isn't a big deal, but somehow, it was important enough to me that God intervened. Emotional tides will find their calm, indecision will find its end, and even our relationships with one another are governed by our Father who loves us. What a miracle!! 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Peace I Cannot Buy

I tried to build a fence up in the sky To gather in a realm of my control. A boundary, I hoped, would satisfy My need to understand, to do, to know. I placed a willing god up in the sky Who let me win his blessings and his love. I did my part, and he would then comply By show’ring chosen favors from above. But then a day when all the light blue sky— It fell in broken pieces on the ground. I couldn’t fix it, find a reason why. And from the empty heavens, not a sound. I mourned and suffered, looked up at the sky. I’d kept my rules, but still I faced this pain. My tidy, righteous living did not buy The blessings or the peace I hoped to gain. The real God saw my fences in the sky And knew my fear of giving up control. My pride, it sat between the Lord and I, But waiting there, He yearned to touch my soul. And only when I crouched ‘neath shattered sky Could I begin again to know His face. My helplessness inspired me to try To tru...
1 comment
Read more

The Saved Are Also Saving

My babe turned blue. We called. They came with badges, boxes, more. I kneeled beside my ash-gray babe, laid still upon the floor. The sheriff introduced himself and other county men, for all the local officers were mourning Shinners then. He'd died. My babe, he breathed again. Somehow, I'd never thought that daily, some are working jobs so hand in hand with God. I shuddered- through my broken soul came wisps of man's divine-- He gives himself for someone else, for little ones like mine. They heal, protect, give hope, give life. They do their work like Him. While some are given chances, others are giving them. It broke and healed my mother's soul-- I could not save my son. But when we called, they came. They came... to save my little one.
1 comment
Read more

Blessings and "God's Time"

Caleb's near-death experience in January left me with a lot of emotional and spiritual trauma to work through. I prayed and studied the scriptures extensively, slowly identifying why I still felt so insecure even after Caleb's recovery. I realized several important things. 1. Subconsciously, I had expected my gospel living to result in specific blessings: a happy marriage, healthy and safe children, etc. Those expectations went unchallenged for a while, but then my two-week-old baby stopped breathing. And didn't really start breathing again for another 10 days. 2. As a result of those shattered expectations, I felt betrayed by God. This was hard to admit to myself. I knew He was still aware of me, but I was confused and hurt. Why had He allowed me to suffer when I had tried so hard to be righteous? I thought of this as I watched the YA Face to Face on Sunday. One of the last questions echoed mine. Why are the righteous denied certain blessings? That young adult wante...
1 comment
Read more